Capilla (Chapel)

*Warning* This was written Monday June 18th... I just needed to vent, but I felt better after I did! After I did I felt waaaay better, and the next day was great. Sometimes you just need to let it all out. Sooo... don't freak out... I am doing way better & God is handling everything. I just needed to let it all go!!! Thanks! Have a super day!!! :)

So I flipped recently in chapel. This week at school they are having spiritual emphasis week, so we decided to attend. I don't even know why I flipped... well I do but I don't. I sat next to Gabby (she works at the school, really nice lady) and then during the speaking/singing she told me (and the other girls) that we are extraordinary women & all of this other stuff, and all of a sudden somewhere in her sentence I started to burst out crying. Even during singing I felt choked up. She just held me and hugged me and said something to me. Then we were singing a song that goes like...I'm desperate for you...I'm lost without,etc. I'm sure you have heard it, and I couldn't even sing because if I did I knew I was gonna cry more. Then a lady speaker came up and started talking about her experiences, and her missionary life in the Dominican Repuplic and how during that time she was desperate for her husbands approval, desperate to understand the language, and other things, but she wasn't desperate for God like she should have been. Like she got lost in all this other stuff. Well, I figured that I am desperate for Kelsey & Megan and my friendships, desperate for my mom and my family, I'm desperate for love & acceptance from this group I am with, and I am not desperate enough for God. I am desperate that he solve my problems, confusions, lonliness, and other what not, but not for Him. I'm focusing on all this other stuff that doesn't even really matter but I'm just freaking out about it all.

I'm scared that I am not going to change. I'm angry because I feel confused. I feel like if these feelings I'm going through right now are going to mold me into whoever God want me to be or glorify him in the way he want, then He needs to get a move on because I want to get them over with because I hate feeling incomplete & not like myself. I feel like a failure sometimes & like I am not doing anything for God. I feel like when I go back home I'm not going to have changed, and all this time I am worrying or whatever I could be putting my energy into God and his kingdom, but I don't even know how to do that because I'm in a different country, with a different language, with different people! I can't express myself, not even completely with the group I am with, and that makes me feel like I am jipping them from the gifts & talents that God has given me. I need to get over myself and give everything to God because I sure haven't and if I had given him all of this I most likely wouldn't be lonely, upset, confused, and what not. I just need to chill and trust God. I feel like he's distant, but I know he is there. We always want everything cheery with sunshine and rainbows, but it just doesn't work like that. Jesus didn't have rainbow days every single day. In my weakness he is strong, well he must be super strong right about now because I am weak. I just don't want to be a dissapointment after this 8 weeks is over. I promised myself and prayed that when this trip is over I leave knowing I gave it all I could, I go back home tired and drained because I gave my heart to the people and to God. Maybe this is part of my draining process. Hopefully it doesn't last too long! People continually tell me in emails and in phone calls that they are praying for me, but I still feel rather helpless. I need to step it up a notch and look to Jesus more than I have been. I need to be enouraged because I have people praying for me. God is good all the time, even though I don't feel that good all the time. He said to "rejoice and be glad" did He mean that even when I feel like this? I guess he did. May God continue to be with me and may I not be blinded by myself and the way I feel because I do not want to miss out on what He is trying to reveal to me while I am here in Costa Rica.

* Ok... now that you read it just remember... I am TOTALLY ok! It was just one of those moments where you have been holding it all in & somethines makes you pop. SOOO just one more time... I am fine & the next day I saw God tremendously! So take a chill pill because God is good all the time!!! :)